Absinthe

Sana, sana lang, may mga bagay na pwedeng burahin sa memorya pag gusto mo nang kalimutan. Sana lang talaga… kasi kung may isang genie na tutupad sa mga hiling ko, kahit yun na lang sana tuparin niya! Alam mo ba yung feeling na isang parte ng buhay mo ay naging masamang panaginip? Alam mo yung gustung gusto mo nang gumising pero may pumipigil sa’yo hanggang sa nararamdaman mong hindi ka na makahinga? Gusto mong maigalaw ang mga paa mo, mga kamay mo pero nagiging manhid ang bawat pitik kaya wala ring kwenta?!!! Kung pwede lang talagang baliktarin ang mundo at burahin ang parteng ‘yon ng buhay ko, gagawin ko. Pero walang akong karapatan at lalung lalo na, wala akong kapangyarihan gawin ‘yon. Kaya eto, naghihintay na lang ako sa himala. Malay mo, pagmulat ko isang araw, MASAYA NA ULIT AKO.

For my dearest friend :

Thanks
for always being there for me. Thanks for the time and effort to listen
and most of all for the care you choose to offer me. You’re such a good person and I appreciate it, a lot.  I’m glad that I stumbled upon your world which I thought was not mine to be found. I just want you to know that you already mean something to me though we’ve shared the shortest time together that man could have ever imagined. Sounds cheesy but true. I don’t know why when I first saw you and talked to you, it seemed like we could get along like what most close friends do. There are no empty stories nor dull moments and dead air that pass by when we exchange thoughts about our endeavors and errands that are, let’s say, usual. But the way we share it to each other makes it different. I don’t know why and how you captured my inner sense of trust knowing that I don’t disclose much to my newly-met acquaintances, but in the end it came to me that you can be my listener, my comforter, my adviser and my special friend. I am just clueless how a person like me could share some simple secrets and awkwardly, say tactless thoughts to someone I met a month ago. How weird it is.

I don’t know much about how far our friendship have gone for it’s because of the fact that I don’t count on it, needless to say, because it’s immeasurable. I keep on hoping that you and I could get a grip on what we have started. Be the same people but with better relationship- more open and wishful thinking that we could get in touch with each other not just by any mere form of communication, rather to have each other’s presence physically. You want to be with me and I want to be with you too, that’s a fact. And to add more to it, I want to say that I really look forward in seeing you again. I miss you more than you ever know……….

I don’t know when or how our wishes would turn into reality. What we have right now is everyone’s faith that our relationship would continue despite the distance and keeping the feeling of a good special friend.

XOXO,

Jezza

Wish you’re here with me coz I am missing you so badly. Don’t you worry my dear, I do feel we’ll see each other again, in God’s time. Perhaps, this has to be like what it is right now. I know God has plans and I do believe it would be good for us both. In the end we’ll realize all this waiting is worth more than anything else. This may not be the perfect time yet to be together but we’ll see… Just have faith and be strong.

My love
Ill never find the words, my love
To tell you how I feel, my love
Mere words could not explain
Precious love
You held my life within your hands
Created everything I am
Taught me how to live again

Only you
Cared when I needed a friend
Believed in me through thick and thin
This song is for you
Filled with gratitude and love

God bless you
You make me feel brand new
For God blessed me with you
You make me feel brand new
I sing this song cause you
Make me feel brand new

My love
Whenever I was insecure
You built me up and made me sure
You gave my pride back to me
Precious friend
With you Ill always have a friend
Youre someone who I can depend
To walk a path that never ends

Without you
My life has no meaning or rhyme
Like notes to a song out of time
How can I repay
You for having faith in me

I have been happy today coz I made a lot of things. Imagine, I had two reports which are umm… not-so-well-prepared. Yes, my very first report today on my very first class in this sucking rainy day was sooo impromptu. I can’t believe I pretended as if I know something in what I said. Standing in front of class, haggard-looking, filthy, wet, messy from that shit rain, hahaha… I did deliver my report just to finish it. "One down!", I told myself. But after that was such a craze of never ending procrastination for my HRIM 109 class. Yep, I once again managed to wrap things up for 2 hours and not by chance that I wasted any time. I went to computer shop with my two other groupmates and guess what, 85 slides of report was born out of that effing-shit-demanding-report. I hate my professor in 109. I don’t like her, so to swear.

I am happy and I can’t point out what really the reason is. Nor myself can’t explain where this feeling comes from. Basta, happy ako. Happy akong andiyan ka!

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It’s..uumm… morning.. i mean, 2:29 am in the morning and here i am with my eyes wide open… i’m gonna get up at 5:00 and yeah, 2 hours or rest sucks big time.

duty tomorrow at the tearoom!!!!!!!!! aja!

Dati-rati naghahanap ako ng mga bagay na pwedeng gawin para lang malimutan ang mga bagay na dapat ko nang kalimutan. Dati pampalipas oras lang naman ang gusto ko, ngayon, permanente na ang hinahanap ko. Gusto ko na talagang makalimutan yung isang bagay na matagal nang gumugulo sa isip ko. Kung anuman yun, malamang onti lang ang nakakaalam nun. Yung mga taong uber close lang sa akin at yung mga taong madalas kong makasama. Buti na lang, sinagot ni Lord ang panalangin ko. Salamat sa PFPD na ‘to, di ko napapansin ang paglipas ng oras at kahit sa isang araw, mas malaki na ang oras na hindi ko na siya naaalala. Though oo, aaminin ko, mga mga pagkakataong nalulungkot ako.  Pero , suddenly, narerealize ko na ito na ang buhay ko. Kailangan kong mabuhay sa kasalukuyan at hindi sa nakaraan. Dude, sinasabi ko sa sarili ko, "remember?!? may mga pangarap ka pa sa buhay mo at kailangan mong kumilos ngayon pa lang". Pag naiisip ko talaga yun, nabubuhayan ako ng loob. Yun kasi ang tumutulak sa akin para magmove-on. Kahit ano para sa pamilya ko gagawin ko. Kaya kong kalimutan ang lahat ng nakaraan ko at kahit ang isang  bagay na mahalaga sa akin para lang sa pamilya ko. Sorry kung nagiging selfish man ako sa ibang tao pero pamilya ko ang buhay ko ngayon. OO sa ngayon.. pero sa future, ewan ko.. malamang may madadagdag.

Iniisip ko nga madalas eh, ngayon, naghihirap ako sa trabaho, sa aral… after 5 years saan na kaya ako?? Lahat kaya magpepay-off?? Gusto kong maging successful kung un lang din naman ang pag-uusapan kaya nga lahat ginagawa ko.

Pero…. umiiyak ako madalas kasi naman ang babaw ng luha ko. Ginagawa ko ang lahat pero wala naman sa tabi ko yung mga espesyal na tao para pagkwentuhan ng mga nangyayari sa akin.. Wala man lang "ganito ung nangyari sa akin ngayong araw…, masaya ako kasi…, gusto ko naseshare ko yung kung anong meron ako…. " Nakakausap ko naman si mama. Nakikita ko pa nga siya sa cam pero iba pa rin yung nakakasama ko siya. Hindi tulad nung dati.

Sa totoo lang, umiiyak ako ngayon.. Hindi pagiging plastic to. Nalulungkot talaga ako. Napakaiyakin ko. Nakakaasar!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wala akong magawa kundi aliwin ang sarili ko. Kahit man lang sa 8 hours na straight kong trabaho, nakakalimutan ko naman lahat ng to noh. Kahit na pagod na pagod ako nakatayo buong araw, at least, less burden sa isip at puso. At least sa work, napipilitan akong ngumiti kahit deep inside nalulungkot ako.

Narerealize kong kailangan kong maging matatag kahit mag-isa lang akong namamangka. Hindi naman ibig sabihin nun mag-isa ko ring haharapin ang problema. Alam kong andito lang si God sa tabi ko. Alam kong di niya ako pinababayaan. Ngayon, narerealize kong hindi na rin ako bata. Though nasa akin pa rin yung nature ng pagiging isip-bata, I make it to a point na hangga’t maaari I should act maturely. I am already 18 years old and in a matter of 3 months, another year would be added to my advancing life. I should act appropriately. Given different circumstances naman kasi, mas nakikilala ko pa ang sarili ko and I think that’s the most important thing to feel when the day ends.

I planned to write my 3rd-day experience in PFPD but my echoing heartache sentiments won over it so I ended up stating my rants. Gosh, for the nth time I’m telling you guys same sentiments over and over again but i can’t do anything about it. I need to let this out or else I’ll blow up. Sorry… so sorry if I act this way.

Perhaps, I’ll just tell you my jollibee experience after I finish this program but quite sure is, I’m enjoying it. *thumbs up*

Oh, Oh
I’m not missing you
Been through just about everything that I could go through
When it comes to relationships
Don’t know what I was missing or why I ain’t listen
When I told myself that was it
Now here I go, hurt again
Cause of my curiousity
Now that it’s over
What else could it be?

I made a promise never to settle
Why didn’t I keep it?
Cause I hated the heartbreak
Crying and cheating, the fooling around

CHORUS
(But) I’m not missing you
I’m not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me
I’m not missing you
You might have had me open
But I must be going because
I got life to do
I know I’m usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone
But this time it’s different
I don’t even feel the distance
I’m not missing
I’m not missing you

It’s a shame in a way cause
I feel that I may not ever find the right one for me
Did I leave him, is he right in front of my face oh
Will my true love ever be?
Why would I go on a search again
When I know what the end will be
What good is love when it keeps on hurting me?

I made a promise never to settle
Why didn’t I keep it?
Cause I hated the heartbreak
Crying and cheating, the fooling around

Chorus x 2

No I can’t be with you
Cause I’m scared felt like I was falling when you left me
I can’t keep going through life
Unaware of what I missed
And the person I could be